Local Nerd Finally Gets a Date
Did Not Do a Damn Thing to Get It
BREAKING NEWS: After years of futility rivaling only the Chicago Cubs, local Munster resident Matt Melton has finally found himself with a date.
Despite his best efforts not to get one.
“I’m embarrassed to be related to him, honestly,” stated his uncle Lee, who was live at the scene of the courting crime. “I’ve seen better game from my son. The eleven year old one. It was pathetic.”
Recreating the night that led to the date was difficult for Melton, as he had consumed copious amounts of alcohol, including a 16 oz. Bud Light, a SoCo and Lime shot, and…One more Bud Light? Over four hours? That was it?
“I was feeling pretty good that night,” Melton recalled. "Maybe even good enough to try dancing, but why take that risk?”
Melton was attending a show by local band “Dick Diamond and the Dusters” when his chance at a date first came to light - a pretty brunette that sat a few short tables away.
“I thought she was cute, and she seemed like she was pretty fun,” Melton recalls. “So I did what any guy would do in that situation – I looked in her general direction, tried to sneakily make eye contact with her for two hours, and then smiled at her when I finally did. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?”
Um...no?
His Uncle continues the sad tale.
“The girl was there with her what looked like her mother and two other older relatives, and for some God awful reason they thought his meek attempts at first contact were cute. And it would have been, if he was, you know...twelve."
Not wanting to sit on the sidelines the entire night, Melton did finally take matters into his own hands after losing the not-staring contest for two hours.
Sort of.
"I went to the bar to keep my buzz going with another Bud Light, and I ran into her mom at the counter. She needed help carrying all the drinks to the table, so I figured why not. Although...Why she made me carry her daughter's drink when she clearly had a free hand I will never know. Plus, as soon as we got to the table, she grabbed the other two older ladies and ran away. What the heck was that about?"
This kid couldn't find a clue in a CSI Marathon.
"Oh God, it gets worse. Just wait til he tells you how he actually ended up getting the date," his Uncle added.
"So I bring her the drink, and I end up sitting down and talking to her for a few minutes...because her mom made me...and she actually seemed really cool."
All right, we're going some where (finally)...
"But then I started getting sleepy, probably from all the drinks, so I figured I should get some coffee. So I told her 'I think we should continue this conversation later over some coffee,' and she suddenly perks up and says 'I'd love to!' Then she writes her phone number down on a napkin and hads it to me. Naturally, I was really confused. So I awkwardly told her thanks and went to get my coffee."
Jesus tap dancing Christ. Have you ever asked a girl out before?
"Once. I don't wanna say it was the most awkward two minutes of that girl's life...mainly because I think it took me two minutes just to say 'Hi, I'm Matt.' So it was probably the most awkward four minutes of her life."
May God have mercy on this poor nerd.
"If love really is a battlefield, my nephew is France."
No word yet on where or when the coffee date will take place, but we can only hope Melton doesn't make their next meeting as painfully awkward as the first.
"Think it's too soon to invite her into my World of Warcraft guild?"
Scratch that earlier line. May God have mercy on that poor brunette.
Did Not Do a Damn Thing to Get It
BREAKING NEWS: After years of futility rivaling only the Chicago Cubs, local Munster resident Matt Melton has finally found himself with a date.
Despite his best efforts not to get one.
“I’m embarrassed to be related to him, honestly,” stated his uncle Lee, who was live at the scene of the courting crime. “I’ve seen better game from my son. The eleven year old one. It was pathetic.”
Recreating the night that led to the date was difficult for Melton, as he had consumed copious amounts of alcohol, including a 16 oz. Bud Light, a SoCo and Lime shot, and…One more Bud Light? Over four hours? That was it?
“I was feeling pretty good that night,” Melton recalled. "Maybe even good enough to try dancing, but why take that risk?”
Melton was attending a show by local band “Dick Diamond and the Dusters” when his chance at a date first came to light - a pretty brunette that sat a few short tables away.
“I thought she was cute, and she seemed like she was pretty fun,” Melton recalls. “So I did what any guy would do in that situation – I looked in her general direction, tried to sneakily make eye contact with her for two hours, and then smiled at her when I finally did. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?”
Um...no?
His Uncle continues the sad tale.
“The girl was there with her what looked like her mother and two other older relatives, and for some God awful reason they thought his meek attempts at first contact were cute. And it would have been, if he was, you know...twelve."
Not wanting to sit on the sidelines the entire night, Melton did finally take matters into his own hands after losing the not-staring contest for two hours.
Sort of.
"I went to the bar to keep my buzz going with another Bud Light, and I ran into her mom at the counter. She needed help carrying all the drinks to the table, so I figured why not. Although...Why she made me carry her daughter's drink when she clearly had a free hand I will never know. Plus, as soon as we got to the table, she grabbed the other two older ladies and ran away. What the heck was that about?"
This kid couldn't find a clue in a CSI Marathon.
"Oh God, it gets worse. Just wait til he tells you how he actually ended up getting the date," his Uncle added.
"So I bring her the drink, and I end up sitting down and talking to her for a few minutes...because her mom made me...and she actually seemed really cool."
All right, we're going some where (finally)...
"But then I started getting sleepy, probably from all the drinks, so I figured I should get some coffee. So I told her 'I think we should continue this conversation later over some coffee,' and she suddenly perks up and says 'I'd love to!' Then she writes her phone number down on a napkin and hads it to me. Naturally, I was really confused. So I awkwardly told her thanks and went to get my coffee."
Jesus tap dancing Christ. Have you ever asked a girl out before?
"Once. I don't wanna say it was the most awkward two minutes of that girl's life...mainly because I think it took me two minutes just to say 'Hi, I'm Matt.' So it was probably the most awkward four minutes of her life."
May God have mercy on this poor nerd.
"If love really is a battlefield, my nephew is France."
No word yet on where or when the coffee date will take place, but we can only hope Melton doesn't make their next meeting as painfully awkward as the first.
"Think it's too soon to invite her into my World of Warcraft guild?"
Scratch that earlier line. May God have mercy on that poor brunette.
