10. The R.E.M. song “End of the World” will be played by
every new age radio station at least ten times, and everybody will sing along
as follows: “mumble mumble mumble m mumble mumble umble LEONARD BERNSTEIN! mumble
mumble mum mumble mumble ble mumble IT’S the end of the world as we know it…”
9. Professional newscasters will spend all day thinking of
end of the world jokes to say on-air. Nine out of Ten will suck. Random high
schoolers will spend five minutes between classes making memes online. Nine out
of Ten will be awesome and plastered on Facebook for our enjoyment.
8. The Killers will be performing at the UIC Pavilion in
Chicago and I won’t be there. That sucks.
7. Lots of people will be saying “It’s the end of the world! Let’s do blah blah blah...” Take that and RUN with it. See how many free drinks you can sucker out of people using only that line. I’m guessing at least five.
6. A depressingly copious amount of people will say “Well I guess the Mayans were wrong.” Hmmm. Imagine that. Billions of dollars in state of the art technology and we still resort to a Groundhog to tell us how much longer Winter is going to be, yet somehow we expected a civilization from 1500 years ago to have figured that whole premonition thing out? Right…
5. It will be unusually dark…because it’s the shortest day of the year. It’s these crazy phenomena called “night” and “the Earth is on a slanted axis in relation to the Sun as it revolves around it.” Mind = blown, I know, I know…
4. People will call Australia just to make sure it’s still there. This is a feat in itself because calling Australia from the U.S. requires hitting FOURTEEN digits on your touchtone. So never hit on Australian girls at the bar when you’re six sheets to the wind– you will never get their number right.
3. Awesome end of the world pranks. Remember, creativity and vagueness are the keys to making them believable. Everyone is expecting an “AHHH THE WORLD IS ENDING!!! (hang-up)” phone call. Here’s how my fake phone call to my incredibly paranoid friends will go:
Me: Hey. I called to say goodbye. I love you man.
Friend: Wait, what?
Me: The Mayans were right. They came for us. They came for all of us.
Friend: They, who is what-
Me: Good bye. (Hang-up)
Get two more friends to do this to the same person, follow it up by completely ignoring all their attempts to communicate back, and hilarity will ensue…and then being Facebook de-friended will ensue…
2. I will go to the bar, I will have some drinks, I will be there for about four hours, and I won’t buy a single drink for a girl I don’t know. Not because I am afraid of the world ending if she accepts it (the thought has crossed many peoples’ minds), but because I’m a pansy.
1. The weather where I live, near Chicago, will suck. Not apocalyptically bad, although if you’ve never lived near Chicago, you might wonder if it’s a sign. It’s cool though, everyone in Chicago knows we have terrible standard weather in exchange for only having to face one natural disaster: The Chicago Cubs.
