THE BROPAD
Sir Matthew R. Melton and Lord Maximus D. Melton the III
141 Existential Drive
Munster, IN 46321
Dear Shelton B. Melton (Henceforth known as “Father”),
It has come to the attention of THE BROPAD that a ward of your household has been visiting our gloriously inglorious establishment on a fairly regular basis for the manly pursuits of Blackhawks games and LAN parties. It has also come to our attention that when this ward stops by, the contents of our noble refrigerator disappear faster than a six-pack at a frat party. It has been determined that this ward, lovingly known by you as Gimpy the Younger, begrudgingly known by the inhabitants of THE BROPAD as our “younger brother,” and henceforth legally referred to as DORK (Devourer Of Refrigerator Kingdom), has in fact been eating more food than the cast of The Biggest Loser. On top of this, he has also taken advantage of our facilities by staying overnight without advance notice, stealing our bandwidth, and doing something Green Bay Packers-awful in the bathroom. Therefore, we have found it necessary to seek recompense for these offenses.
Sir Matthew R. Melton and Lord Maximus D. Melton the III
141 Existential Drive
Munster, IN 46321
Dear Shelton B. Melton (Henceforth known as “Father”),
It has come to the attention of THE BROPAD that a ward of your household has been visiting our gloriously inglorious establishment on a fairly regular basis for the manly pursuits of Blackhawks games and LAN parties. It has also come to our attention that when this ward stops by, the contents of our noble refrigerator disappear faster than a six-pack at a frat party. It has been determined that this ward, lovingly known by you as Gimpy the Younger, begrudgingly known by the inhabitants of THE BROPAD as our “younger brother,” and henceforth legally referred to as DORK (Devourer Of Refrigerator Kingdom), has in fact been eating more food than the cast of The Biggest Loser. On top of this, he has also taken advantage of our facilities by staying overnight without advance notice, stealing our bandwidth, and doing something Green Bay Packers-awful in the bathroom. Therefore, we have found it necessary to seek recompense for these offenses.
We are charging you for our brother’s consumptions (and discretions) at our
residence.
Now, I know you may disagree with this, but consider the argument you’ve always said when we were growing up: “When you pay the bills, you can make the rules!” You used this statement for at least eighteen years, and I have not heard about it being challenged by the Supreme Court as of late, so it must still be valid. And since we do pay the bills now (ALL the bills), we are thus charging accordingly.
Here is our first invoice:
3 Cans of Coca-Cola.........................................$1.50
I know, I can't believe he took it either.
1 Digorno Pizza.............................................$5.00
To be fair, I'm impressed he ate a whole one by himself. But not impressed enough to let it slide.
2 Cans of Pepsi Max.........................................$3.00
He took the last one. Lord Maximus was not pleased. He charged triple.
2 Pieces of chicken.........................................$4.00
I don't remember what kind. Oh well.
47 cheese balls.............................................$2.35
He stopped counting at 24. I did not.
1 Overnight Stay in the Futon Suite at THE BROPAD..........$45.00
1 Late Fee for not leaving by 11 A.M.......................$25.00
Seriously, I had DDR to play that morning and I couldn't move the Futon with him passed out on it. I should have charged double.
5 bottles of Three Floyd's Gumballhead Beer................$10.00
I was going to charge for 6, considering his guest drank the 6th, but Lord Maximus began hitting on said girl, thus transferring ownership of the beer to him. You are lucky.
Declogging of the Bathroom Toliet..........................$80.00
As an engineer performing technical work, I charged the family rate of $30 per hour. The other fifty is for dealing with the....nevermind. Don't ask. Ever.
Grand Total...............................................$175.85
And that was just last week. We're still printing January. we ran out of paper. Twice.
Now, I know you may disagree with this, but consider the argument you’ve always said when we were growing up: “When you pay the bills, you can make the rules!” You used this statement for at least eighteen years, and I have not heard about it being challenged by the Supreme Court as of late, so it must still be valid. And since we do pay the bills now (ALL the bills), we are thus charging accordingly.
Here is our first invoice:
3 Cans of Coca-Cola.........................................$1.50
I know, I can't believe he took it either.
1 Digorno Pizza.............................................$5.00
To be fair, I'm impressed he ate a whole one by himself. But not impressed enough to let it slide.
2 Cans of Pepsi Max.........................................$3.00
He took the last one. Lord Maximus was not pleased. He charged triple.
2 Pieces of chicken.........................................$4.00
I don't remember what kind. Oh well.
47 cheese balls.............................................$2.35
He stopped counting at 24. I did not.
1 Overnight Stay in the Futon Suite at THE BROPAD..........$45.00
1 Late Fee for not leaving by 11 A.M.......................$25.00
Seriously, I had DDR to play that morning and I couldn't move the Futon with him passed out on it. I should have charged double.
5 bottles of Three Floyd's Gumballhead Beer................$10.00
I was going to charge for 6, considering his guest drank the 6th, but Lord Maximus began hitting on said girl, thus transferring ownership of the beer to him. You are lucky.
Declogging of the Bathroom Toliet..........................$80.00
As an engineer performing technical work, I charged the family rate of $30 per hour. The other fifty is for dealing with the....nevermind. Don't ask. Ever.
Grand Total...............................................$175.85
And that was just last week. We're still printing January. we ran out of paper. Twice.
We accept cash, check, and presumably good beer as payment. This invoice is of course up for negotiation, but only over some of our mother’s delicious lasagna. And do make it a double order, we love leftovers.
Oh, and we are a service industry, so don't forget to tip.
Sincerely, Your sons,
Sir Matthew R. Melton and Lord Maximus D. Melton the III
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