Remember Remember the Fifth of Q-vember...

Turns out my friends at my alma mater Rose-hulman have their finals starting next week, November 5th. I think I should write them something. And since Nov.5th is also Guy Fawkes day, and V for Vendetta is a fantastic movie, I think it's timed for a themed entry on the fun of RHIT finals...

Quiet! The oncoming qualm, quantized by a quinary of days, quietly waits to quash the quorum of quirky questers studying in quasi quagmires. These quizzes, no mere queries of quackery, are quixotic questioners of quiddity, now quantified, culminating in the quaffing of quaiches after their quick quartes. However, these quadric quandaries taken in queasy quods cannot quench the quibbling qubits of engineers, qi collectors, never quailing, but perhaps quaking, at the quaint queues of oncoming quid that quoth this quietus. The only quaalude is comedy: a quartet of quality choruses, quippishly requoted, quickly chronicling the quintessential quarrels queerily faced by the quivering quintile questing for graduation’s quietude. Qua, these inequitable quantiles of quartics and quantics shall be conquered, quite easily, and the victorius quartile shall be called Rose-hulman Alumni, and you will call this QED.

Or in other words, I will be taking four popular songs and rewriting them to chronicle the fun of Finals Week at Rose. The first one drops this Sunday night. Enjoy!

College Vs. Real Life #1: Liquid Motivation

My new incredibly artistic comic strip will be covering one simple subject: the comparison of College vs. Real Life. And yes, score will be kept. And a special thanks goes out to my buddy Mark for this one. That was the fastest Advanced Gas Dynamics homework assignment ever... Enjoy!

College: 1  Real Life: 0

P90X Day 15...ish: It's Not You, It's Me

Dear P90X,

    I'm sorry. I...I'm so sorry. No, don't look at me like that...I haven't been meaning to neglect you, I've...I've just been busy. Ok Fine. I'll admit it. I've been cheating on you. I've been cheating on you with...with Flag Football. Don't cry! No, no, it's me, it's not you. And it was the Flag Football Championships! And a double header at that. I couldn't let the team down, we had everything we needed to win. Our QB's mobility makes Michael Vick look like Peyton Manning, our defensive line spends more time in the backfield than the back judge, and our wide receivers catch more balls that beer bong cups at IU's Little 5. I couldn't do the leg workout on Friday and show up sore Saturday night, I would have been more useless than Tyler Perry's Oscars Trophy Case. You gotta understand, it was only this weekend, only for the Championships, I swear!

    Look, I promise I won't let this happen again. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, we're plowing straight through them all til I can take my shirt off at the beach and not get laughed at by everyone in a three beach radius. Five beach radius? I couldn't hear that far. And yes, it was a depressing night, thank you for reminindg me. Any other traumatic memories you want to bring up?

    I'm sorry for yelling. Look, we're gonna make it buddy, we're gonna make it. What's that? You're still making sure my thighs put me down the stairs face first again this week? That's fine. I deserve that...

Day 10: Diet-Check Exercise-Check
Day 11: Diet-Check Exercise-Check
Day 12: Diet-Check Exercise-Deferred due to Flag Football Championship
Day 13: Diet-Check Exercise-Replaced by Flag Football Championship (Believe me, the Football hurt more)
Day 14: Diet-No Check, but I went to the Bearss game! It would have been wrong to follow the diet there! Exercise-None

Top Ten Benefits to Being in the Friend Zone

*If you haven't read part one of this double Top Ten, "Top Ten Signs You've Just Been Friend Zoned," check it out here first:
http://runningwithradians.blogspot.com/2012/10/top-ten-signs-youve-been-friend-zoned.html

Now that you know stuck in the friend zone tighter than the lid on a pickle jar, here’s what you should do – take advantage of it! And here’s how:

10. You still get to hang out with the girl all the time, and with absolutely no pressure
Friends don’t judge! You can hang out and play video games in your pajama pants with her and nobody cares. Enjoy that!

9. Learn everything NOT to do in a relationship
All those times she’s complaining about her boyfriend, take notes. There are a lot of good examples in there of stupid things not to do when you’re in a relationship. It’s secondhand experience at its finest.

8. Her dad doesn’t want to kill you
Don’t know if you’ve ever met the dad that isn’t afraid to go back to jail, but trust me; it’s nice not having to look behind your shoulder every time you walk in to your house.

7. Spent your money on yourself!
Best friends don’t pay for dinner, the movies, and putt putt, you get to spend your money on yourself! You know that’s awesome!

6. New Skill: Ability to talk to girls
If you’re super awkward around girls like…uh…other people…(awkward…), then being able to talk to your crush will definitely help you get used to talking to other girls you’d like to date. So take advantage of it. Once you can talk to her without stuttering, consider yourself leveled up.

5. Learn what she likes…for future use?…
Believe it or not, the friend zone isn’t a terminal condition, so all the things you’re learning now could end up being applied later in a future relationship with your friend. And even if you do end up permanently in the fried zone, the info probably has applications mostly everywhere else in life, so really, do start taking notes.

4. The one thing better than a wingman: the wingwoman!
Sure, she probably can’t take one for the team and distract the…more “protective” friends of your target, but she actually has the ability to read a fellow female and help you get a phone number or two. And since she’s your friend, she’d love to help you out with that.

3. Taylor Swift, Adele, etc. have never written a bad song about their friends
T Swift doesn’t want to burn her best friends picks, Adele doesn’t want to rain fire upon her cuddle buddy, you are safe from lyrical destruction! And if you’re saying “But what about Teardrops on my Guitar,” you know that’s because T Swift was in the same boat as you. You got to sympathize!

2. Here, meet my friend…or my sister…
It’s almost her, but two years younger…and in blond! Seriously though, if you’re good to her, she’ll give you her seal of approval within her network, and maybe even set you up with someone you’re a good match for. Don’t let tunnel vision ruin that…

1. Damn good, honest advice
If there’s anyone that will tell you that you look like a complete idiot in that shirt, it’s your female friends. Listen to them. They know WAYYYYYY more than you do about many important subjects.

So there it is. Don’t get so angry in Justfriendistan that you miss the good things you have in front of you. And if you want a soundtrack for where you’re hanging out, I’d suggest “Almost” by Bowling for Soup, “I’d do Anything” by Simple Plan, “Always Be” by Jimmy Eat World, and of course, “Do I Creep You Out” by the great Weird Al Yankovic. Just don’t go listening “Every Breath You Take” by The Police , anything by Death Cab for Cutie, or “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” by any of the ten plus artists who thought that wasn’t the best stalker song ever. Creepy.

Until next time…

Top Ten Signs "You've Been Friend Zoned"

If there is anything that me and my second youngest brother Jeff have in common, it’s a penchant for landing Gorilla Glue strong in the Friend Zone. Any place, any girl, guaranteed to find that place, no GPS necessary. Seriously, you could put a 55 gallon drum labeled “the Friend Zone” in a field in Texas, have us skydive out of a plane in New York, and we’d manage to be hit by El Nino air currents, land on a 747, get carried by a flock of rabid seagulls, and land smack dab in that 55 gallon drum three days later. We’re just that good. Or bad. Whatever.

Anyways, in honor of our incredible ability to hit the friend zone more often than rain hits the earth, we present to you “The Top Ten Lines\Signs that Really Mean ‘You’ve Just Been Friend Zoned.’” And yes, this is mostly from experience (Damnit!). Enjoy!

10. They send you a sibling request on Facebook
That’s cool, brothers and sisters are close. But you know what siblings don’t do (outside of The Jerry Springer Show)? Date. Le zoned.

9. “I feel so comfortable around you”
As in, “comfortable being friends, most likely forever, please stop looking at me longingly.” Someone call the Dallas Mavericks, you’ve just been zoned.

8. “You’re like, my best friend”

“You’re like, killing me here!” And much like Kanye, you are now in the zone.

7. “You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met”
That’s nice, people like nice people. But you know what the nicest-guys-in-the-world-to-a-girl never do (outside of every mediocre and predictable romantic comedy that for some reason girls never emulate)? See number ten. Again.

6. They mention ANYTHING AT ALL about “that time of the month”
If there’s a list of things girls don’t mention to guys they want to date, I would assume this is somewhere really, really high on the list. Probably between “My father is a high ranking member of the Mafia” and “I hit my last boyfriend with a car because he badmouthed N’Sync.”  No worries about that for you though, it’s all hugs and giggles in the Friend Zone!

5. “So I met this guy…and he asked me out…”
Was it me? No? Damn it again!…Maybe I should try this…one day…

4. “Can I complain about my boyfriend for a minute?”
Best one-line responses here include “Isn’t that his job?”, “I’ll give you 30 seconds, max”, and “only if I can complain about him for twenty.” But you don’t say that. You say “I’ll give you as long as you want,” because you’re a good guy, and somewhere, there’s a bar making a drink after you. Here’s to hoping it doesn’t taste like an Appletini.

3. “You’re like a brother to me”
That’s cool. But you know what siblings don’t do (outside of Flowers in the Attic)? See number ten YET again.

2. “It’s so nice to have someone I can just talk to”
This one’s rough, because it’s usually the first friend zone bomb. Therefore, it is typically followed by the best acting job most friends will have to do, which is pretending their hearts weren’t just dropped in a high powered mulcher. If they make a drink after this event, I don’t know the name, but I know its straight Everclear.

1. “I wish my boyfriend…”
Oh no, not this guy again…
“…were more like you.”
You know what? I do math, and there’s a simple solution here. It just requires a little bit of BF substitution…Oh what’s that? Phone call?...Oh, it’s the friend zone calling…I guess we’ll just have to settle for Psychology again. I hate Psychology…

But hey! It’s not all gloom and doom in the friend zone! After all, there are much worse zones you could be in. The Stalker Zone, the Creeper Zone, the “You Don’t Exist to Me” Zone, the ”Taylor Swift We Are Never, Ever, Ever, Getting Back Together” Zone, etc. Friendships aren’t supposed to be one way, so why would being stuck in Justfriendistan be one way as well? In fact, there are so many benefits to being in the friend zone that we’re coming back with ANOTHER Top Ten: The Top Ten Benefits of Being in the Friend Zone! Check it out!

http://runningwithradians.blogspot.com/2012/10/top-ten-benefits-to-being-in-friend-zone.html

But if you're dead set on getting out of the friend zone: http://www.friendzonecasting.com/

P90X Day 8: Thighs on Strike

Tuesday morning, my thighs had had enough. They notified me via certified mail (how did they do that?) that they were officially going on strike. Starting Tuesday morning, they were no longer working unless the following demands were met:

1. No more Yoga. Ever. Don't care if it's with the entire Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading squad, in uniform. NO MORE YOGA.
2. All Plyometrics workouts must be followed with at least 30 minutes in a hot tub. Preferably with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. In uniform.

3. Weekly massages must be given to both thighs . Preferably by the Dal-

ANYWAYS, ignoring the puzzling obsession my thighs have with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading Squad (especially since everyone knows the Dolphin's cheerleaders are wayyyy- STAY ON TARGET), I was able to convince the thighs to do today's workout by telling them it was Shoulders and Arms.

Suckers! It's Plyometrics!

Thighs: That's it! Your ass is going down the stairs face first tomorrow morning!

Dang it....


Day 5: Diet-Check Exercise-Check 
Day 6: Diet-Check Exercise-Deferred due to injured Achilles. (Kenpo is not very good for that...)
Day 7: Diet-No Check, but I went to the Colts vs Browns game! Lay off! Exercise-None
Day 8: Diet-Check Exercise-Check
Day 9: Diet-Check Exercise-Check

There's More Than One Way to Play Baseball...

Everyone knows the standard "Baseball" system. First base is French Kissing, and every base after that is past my self imposed vulgarity censors (sorry, my family reads my blog =P ). But is this system really fair for everyone? Of course not. Most people in my major (sorry guys) are batting .000 in this baseball game for...let's just say far longer than necessary. Meanwhile, we all have at least one friend who is hitting about .800 with a 1.750 OPS (That's a baseball stat...). Unfair.

So why are we limiting ourselves to only dating relations for such an awesome metaphor? There are far more bases in life to be accrued, and I say it's time we start rounding those bases! So here we have eight more games of Baseball for us to play. Start swinging and good luck!

I only hit a few home runs, but call me Ricky Henderson for all the third bases I stole.

Had more strikeouts than Babe Ruth, but without the home runs (or any hits, for that matter...)

I couldn't shut up back then. Welcome to my personal Steroid Era.

Did not play this one. And for those of you wondering where engineering majors fall in this one, that would be the bases empty grand slam.

The Baseball team you can aspire too. And yes, that last one is an actual quote from Derek Jeter. Pretty sure no one else has ever said that one.

For my WoW playing friends out there...

Come on, you know it's true...

P90X: The Untold Stories - Day 4

Not too bad this morning... Legs don't seem to hurt as much. Maybe they work again...

/Fall down stairs face first

Scratch that. Legs are completely numb. and broken. Still very broken. Don't bend much at all. This is standard I've been told for men in their.....80's. But hey, at least they don't hurt...while I'm sitting...

Go to work. every set of stairs now looks like this.

But without the trees.





Screw this, I'm taking the elevator. If there's another fire drill, I'm hiding under the desk until it's over.



Tonight, it's Yoga time. Sounds easy...


Day 3: Exercise-Check! Diet-Check!
Day 4: Exercise-Check! Diet-Check! 7 for 8 first four days! A new record! 

P90X: The Untold Stories

Yesterday, I began my 7th or so attempt at completing an longtime goal of mine: Completing a full 90 days of P90X. The past 6 attempts have typically been P7X, but this time, THIS TIME, I'm doing all 90! And the diet too! (Note: I'm doing the diet not for the purpose of losing weight, I'm already unquestionably skinny. The diet helps make sure you pass out AFTER the exercise instead of during it...or in my case, after the warm-up, not before it) And I will of course be blogging the hilarity of the full 90 days - the icing after the workouts, the inability to go up or down stairs, the days where I can't open my car door without crying like Chris Crocker. You know, all the fun stuff you don't get to see with just the before and after pictures. Here's what I plan on blogging:

- Mostly daily updates of whether or I not I did the exercise for the day
- updates every 1 - 3 days of the struggle, written as if I am trying to cross Antartica for the first time or something else that's actually epic

- Weekly post workout pictures depicting my "true" feelings at the time

So if I don't keep up on this, harass the living daylights out of me so I keep writing stories and posting funny pictures and actually do all 90 days. Wish me luck!

Also, here's a very scientific projection of what I should look like afterwards:

Seems accurate. Minus the speedo, definitely not wearing string speedos, not good for diving.

And lastly, today's entry:

Day 2: The First Wake-up

Ow. Not too much ow, only a little ow. Attempted to make the "Nobody Cares" Spongebob rainbow meme half circle with hands, ended up screaming like girl instead. Note to self, arms do not go above head till Thursday. Also, don't jump, that hurts the pecks. Good thing Plyometrics isn't until...Tonight. Damn.

Day 1: Exercise-Check! Diet-Maybe? Chicago Dogs have lots of veggies...
Day 2: Exercise-Check! Diet-Check! 

The Brotract

Now that my twin brother (henceforth known as “bro”) and I will be moving out to a new apartment/house, I’ve decided some ground rules are in order to keep the Bropad a fun place to be. This is especially true since other bro’s of ours will be stopping by often and they aren’t as…”respectful.” So without any further ado, I present to you, The Brotract:

All girls brought into the house must be introduced to the rest of the bros. Failure to do so will result in the girl being given “walk of shame” status until she is introduced, even if all other bros are 100 percent positive that isn’t the case. It’s common courtesy.

Bro’s have chores, and bro’s will do said chores because they are respectable members of society. Chores will also be redistributed in the event of any bro rule violation, as doing something just plain stupid or mean. Some example violations of these rules include:
                Gaseous bathroom ambushes (AKA: Failure to courteous flush last night’s Taco Bell run)
                Inviting douchebag friends to parties
                Taking the last beer in the fridge (You get more FIRST.)
The official go-to rulebook for all bro rules violations is “The Bro Code”, from HIMYM, ISBN-10: 143911000X. This is because Barney Stinson knows all that is Brology. Period.

You bring food home for yourself, then you bring food home for all the bros. And telephone ahead to make sure you get the right order if you don’t know what to get. The same goes for cooking frozen pizzas, buying cheap beer, and inviting new girls to a party (She has to have friends…)

The bros living at the house (AKA the ones paying the bills) have their designated spots on the couches, and are entitled to those spots at all times because they pay the bills. If a friend of the bros violates said spots, it’s the duty of the bro that invited said friend to kindly have them move their ass out of aforementioned spot. Same goes for girlfriends. In the event said bro allows girlfriend to stay in spot of violation, it is the duty of all other bros in the house to make the ”whipped” sound to remind said brother that mancards are a privilege, not a right, and he can hand his off at the nearest garbage can.

Bros clean up after themselves, because this isn’t collegiate frat bros, this is legit bros. If friends of said bros can’t hold their alcohol/Mexican food/other messes, the bros that invite them will clean up after them. If they fail to do so, chore reassignments and pranking will be initiated.

Bro hugs are allowed for the following reasons and the following reasons only:
1. You are saying goodbye to a really damn good friend you haven’t seen in a while
2. You are providing bro support
3. The Bears just scored a touchdown / Hawks scored goal / any similar sports event occurs.

The fridge is bro community food unless food is clearly marked by a bro as that bro’s only. Otherwise, open season on those Pepsi’s and leftovers. One exception - it’s always open season on cheap beer in the fridge. Period.

All bros (especially taken bros) are expected to be wingman in the event one is needed. Failure to do so will result in chore reassignments plus the obligatory whipped sounds for not helping a bro in need.

We are bros, not “bra’s.” Bras are female undergarments. There’s a difference.

You do not change another bro’s TV or radio channel without permission unless you are positive that all bros will agree you are going to a better channel. Exception - if you’re playing video games, you lose any and all rights to the TV.

No word yet if my twin bro signed it…I’m betting no…

That's a Funny Looking Mold Formation...

That was my exact thought when doing the dishes for the first time in...you know what, let's not say how long (Let's say four of my six relationships had shorter lifespans than this dishes drought). This "Mold Formation" was chilling at the bottom of one of the glasses that had been buried under Mount Neglecdish, and I was about to start washing it out when it did a rather funny thing.

It moved.

(Oh this is not good...)

And I don't mean it swirled around the bottom of the glass, or did a little dance like jello. No, it moved quickly. I dare say it accelerated. And then I realized what it actually did...

It jumped. Because "it" was a frog. (Well...this does explain the lack of flies in the sink...)

So naturally, I did what any respectable 24 year-old adult would do when they find a frog in their sink. I took a picture of it and texted it to my girlfriend. (Look at my guardian of the sink!) She suggested that I name it Herman and keep him in one of the halves of my sink. I said that was a great name, but I had much better plans for Herman. I was having a problem keeping the fruitflies away from my banana peels in the garbage can. Herman was going to guard that garbage can and hunt those fruitflies so my banana peels could rest in piece. And then on Friday nights he could chill on the couch while we drank Scotch and watched Friday Night Fights. But realizing that it would be really hard to make ice cubes small enough to fit in his froggy cup (he preferred his Scotch on the rocks), I decided I should probably just take him outside and let him go.

And so I did. And that was the end of it.

...

Until five minutes later.

...


When I found another frog in my sink. (Oh you have got to be [;-P =) :-D]ing me...)

Now, I hadn't done dishes in a   real.   long.   time.  , so I figured the first frog had just been some sort of mutation from the mysterious depths of Molunt Neglecdish. (Mutations happen all the time in the Caves of Ancient Laundries). But it's highly unlikely that the same mutation would happen twice, so clearly I needed to find out where the frogs were coming from. So after I took Olivia outside (It looked like an Olivia to me), I searched the kitchen sink area and found the source pretty quickly. There was a one inch by twelve inch gap underneath the A/C unit that made a great Underground Railroad for the froggies. And thanks to the Great Wall of Duct Tape, that train doesn't come here anymore.

And so, with my sink free of living things (at least ones that jump), I preceded to conquer Mount Neglecdish...over the next three nights (Don't judge me, we've all been there). And I am proud to say that my sink has been Amphibian free for nine months now.

Victory.

Top Ten People to Unfriend on Facebook

If there’s anything that major televised events such as the Presidential Debate are good for, it’s reminding you that the “Unfriend” option on Facebook is there for a reason. And after this particularly amusing debate, I’m clicking Unfriend like it’s the morphine button at the hospital and the nurse just dropped a lunchtray on my hernia. So without further ado, the Top Ten People to Unfriend on Facebook:

10. The Political Prick
Also known as “Let’s Start a ‘Debate’ even though I’m not arguing cohesively or changing my mind at all” guy. If I want everything Obama says to be contested with a line of complete B.S.in status update form, I’ll follow Glen Beck on Twitter. At least he’s funny (although definitely not on purpose…).

9. The “I showed Them!” Person
Yes, please tell me another story about how you totally owned somebody by:
A. Calling them a terrible, probably racist name
B. Pointing out some random “Fact” you found on the internet or “heard somewhere” (I’m betting the voices in  your head)
C. Unfriending them because…they’ll never get a notification saying you did that?
The only reason to consider keeping this person is that occasionally, the person making the first comment absolutely owns them, and it is GLORIOUS.

8. The “I’m Sending You 12 Invites a Day to Play This Terrible Game with Me!” Person
Seriously, I haven’t given a flying Franciscan Nun about Mafia Wars since the actual Mafia ran bootlegging operations in Chicago. I will not play Farmville with you, I will not send you poker chips, but I will consider burning down your virtual house and all your Poke`mon wannabe Backyard Monsters if I get one more request asking me to send you resources. Now go play “Words with Friends” in peace like the rest of us.

7. The “Commenting about not commenting” Guy
Saying you aren’t commenting about something inherently means you are commenting about it. This is the equivalent of saying “I’m going to avoid this well by…jumping right into it.” Genius!

6. Terrible Music Lyrics Girl
Now, I’ve been known to post some music lyrics too, but there’s a *slight* difference between occasionally posting classic lyrics from “Everlong,” “Iris,” and “Good Riddance,” and posting the written-by-someone-else lyrics of one Justin Bieber every. Freaking. DAY. And if you want to argue that Justin Bieber is in fact a lyrical genius, I suggest replacing the cooling fans in your PC with large ice cubes (although I will admit, he could actually sing incredibly well at a young age. He just needs a manly haircut).

5. The “I-love-I-hate-I-love-I-hate-I-hate-I-love-to-hate-to-love-hate-love my Boyfriend” Girl
Couples get in fights all the time. My ex-gf and I called them “Tuesdays.” They also do awesome things for each other to make-up for it (we called those “Thursdays”). Nobody else wants to read about it on Facebook EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS. So unless your boyfriend does something incredibly awesome such as proposing to you (thank you for taking one for the team), or something so incredibly douchey that it deserves an FML, please. Keep it to yourself. KThanxbye.

4. “This is Twitter, Right?” Guy/Girl
Few words could describe how little I care that your salami sandwich this afternoon was slightly tangier than expected. This is the sort of unnecessary update that begs for the 140 character limit of Twitter, so that we only waste approximately five seconds of our life learning about it, and thus only want to give you a slight lovetap for it instead of the Mike Tyson uppercut you deserve for a 500 word Facebook status update about this momentous occasion in your life.

3. The Eternal High Schooler
Also known as “Captain Cliché”, this person routinely has Facebook statuses of the following variety:
A. Dear “Something I’m Going to Bitch About”
B. I hate my parents because [Example of parents being good parents]
C. Emo Status complaining about serious problem that everyone over the age of 18 knows isn’t a serious problem at all
Please do grow up. Soon. But until then, please continue taking funny pictures of yourself in the mirror. They are hilarious.

2. The Walking Advertisement Guy
I’m friends with you, not your band. I care more about the Chilean Sea Bass migratory season than your terrible, terrible band. If you want to get some groupies, make a band profile like everyone else. I just want to know if you’re hitting on my sister again so I can tell my father about it and laugh as he circles your block for another hour blasting “Cleaning this Gun” by Rodney Atkins.

1. My Adult Relatives
Dear Mom/Aunt/Grandpa, I love you all, but I will not spend another Thanksgiving explaining why there are pictures of me playing beer pong. Or why some of my friends dress like they’re strippers (maybe they are…or will be…). Or why there’s a picture of me passed out with “Princess” written across my forehead. Or what Two Girls One Cup is. Just…no. Stop. No.