10. The Political Prick
Also known as “Let’s Start a ‘Debate’ even though I’m not arguing cohesively or changing my mind at all” guy. If I want everything Obama says to be contested with a line of complete B.S.in status update form, I’ll follow Glen Beck on Twitter. At least he’s funny (although definitely not on purpose…).
Also known as “Let’s Start a ‘Debate’ even though I’m not arguing cohesively or changing my mind at all” guy. If I want everything Obama says to be contested with a line of complete B.S.in status update form, I’ll follow Glen Beck on Twitter. At least he’s funny (although definitely not on purpose…).
9. The “I showed Them!” Person
Yes, please tell me another story about how you totally owned somebody by:
A. Calling them a terrible, probably racist name
B. Pointing out some random “Fact” you found on the internet or “heard somewhere” (I’m betting the voices in your head)
C. Unfriending them because…they’ll never get a notification saying you did that?
The only reason to consider keeping this person is that occasionally, the person making the first comment absolutely owns them, and it is GLORIOUS.
Yes, please tell me another story about how you totally owned somebody by:
A. Calling them a terrible, probably racist name
B. Pointing out some random “Fact” you found on the internet or “heard somewhere” (I’m betting the voices in your head)
C. Unfriending them because…they’ll never get a notification saying you did that?
The only reason to consider keeping this person is that occasionally, the person making the first comment absolutely owns them, and it is GLORIOUS.
8. The “I’m Sending You 12 Invites a Day to Play This
Terrible Game with Me!” Person
Seriously, I haven’t given a flying Franciscan Nun about Mafia Wars since the actual Mafia ran bootlegging operations in Chicago. I will not play Farmville with you, I will not send you poker chips, but I will consider burning down your virtual house and all your Poke`mon wannabe Backyard Monsters if I get one more request asking me to send you resources. Now go play “Words with Friends” in peace like the rest of us.
Seriously, I haven’t given a flying Franciscan Nun about Mafia Wars since the actual Mafia ran bootlegging operations in Chicago. I will not play Farmville with you, I will not send you poker chips, but I will consider burning down your virtual house and all your Poke`mon wannabe Backyard Monsters if I get one more request asking me to send you resources. Now go play “Words with Friends” in peace like the rest of us.
7. The “Commenting about not commenting” Guy
Saying you aren’t commenting about something inherently means you are commenting about it. This is the equivalent of saying “I’m going to avoid this well by…jumping right into it.” Genius!
Saying you aren’t commenting about something inherently means you are commenting about it. This is the equivalent of saying “I’m going to avoid this well by…jumping right into it.” Genius!
6. Terrible Music Lyrics Girl
Now, I’ve been known to post some music lyrics too, but there’s a *slight* difference between occasionally posting classic lyrics from “Everlong,” “Iris,” and “Good Riddance,” and posting the written-by-someone-else lyrics of one Justin Bieber every. Freaking. DAY. And if you want to argue that Justin Bieber is in fact a lyrical genius, I suggest replacing the cooling fans in your PC with large ice cubes (although I will admit, he could actually sing incredibly well at a young age. He just needs a manly haircut).
Now, I’ve been known to post some music lyrics too, but there’s a *slight* difference between occasionally posting classic lyrics from “Everlong,” “Iris,” and “Good Riddance,” and posting the written-by-someone-else lyrics of one Justin Bieber every. Freaking. DAY. And if you want to argue that Justin Bieber is in fact a lyrical genius, I suggest replacing the cooling fans in your PC with large ice cubes (although I will admit, he could actually sing incredibly well at a young age. He just needs a manly haircut).
5. The “I-love-I-hate-I-love-I-hate-I-hate-I-love-to-hate-to-love-hate-love
my Boyfriend” Girl
Couples get in fights all the time. My ex-gf and I called them “Tuesdays.” They also do awesome things for each other to make-up for it (we called those “Thursdays”). Nobody else wants to read about it on Facebook EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS. So unless your boyfriend does something incredibly awesome such as proposing to you (thank you for taking one for the team), or something so incredibly douchey that it deserves an FML, please. Keep it to yourself. KThanxbye.
Couples get in fights all the time. My ex-gf and I called them “Tuesdays.” They also do awesome things for each other to make-up for it (we called those “Thursdays”). Nobody else wants to read about it on Facebook EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS. So unless your boyfriend does something incredibly awesome such as proposing to you (thank you for taking one for the team), or something so incredibly douchey that it deserves an FML, please. Keep it to yourself. KThanxbye.
4. “This is Twitter, Right?” Guy/Girl
Few words could describe how little I care that your salami sandwich this afternoon was slightly tangier than expected. This is the sort of unnecessary update that begs for the 140 character limit of Twitter, so that we only waste approximately five seconds of our life learning about it, and thus only want to give you a slight lovetap for it instead of the Mike Tyson uppercut you deserve for a 500 word Facebook status update about this momentous occasion in your life.
Few words could describe how little I care that your salami sandwich this afternoon was slightly tangier than expected. This is the sort of unnecessary update that begs for the 140 character limit of Twitter, so that we only waste approximately five seconds of our life learning about it, and thus only want to give you a slight lovetap for it instead of the Mike Tyson uppercut you deserve for a 500 word Facebook status update about this momentous occasion in your life.
3. The Eternal High Schooler
Also known as “Captain Cliché”, this person routinely has Facebook statuses of the following variety:
A. Dear “Something I’m Going to Bitch About”
B. I hate my parents because [Example of parents being good parents]
C. Emo Status complaining about serious problem that everyone over the age of 18 knows isn’t a serious problem at all
Please do grow up. Soon. But until then, please continue taking funny pictures of yourself in the mirror. They are hilarious.
Also known as “Captain Cliché”, this person routinely has Facebook statuses of the following variety:
A. Dear “Something I’m Going to Bitch About”
B. I hate my parents because [Example of parents being good parents]
C. Emo Status complaining about serious problem that everyone over the age of 18 knows isn’t a serious problem at all
Please do grow up. Soon. But until then, please continue taking funny pictures of yourself in the mirror. They are hilarious.
2. The Walking Advertisement Guy
I’m friends with you, not your band. I care more about the Chilean Sea Bass migratory season than your terrible, terrible band. If you want to get some groupies, make a band profile like everyone else. I just want to know if you’re hitting on my sister again so I can tell my father about it and laugh as he circles your block for another hour blasting “Cleaning this Gun” by Rodney Atkins.
I’m friends with you, not your band. I care more about the Chilean Sea Bass migratory season than your terrible, terrible band. If you want to get some groupies, make a band profile like everyone else. I just want to know if you’re hitting on my sister again so I can tell my father about it and laugh as he circles your block for another hour blasting “Cleaning this Gun” by Rodney Atkins.
1. My Adult Relatives
Dear Mom/Aunt/Grandpa, I love you all, but I will not spend another Thanksgiving explaining why there are pictures of me playing beer pong. Or why some of my friends dress like they’re strippers (maybe they are…or will be…). Or why there’s a picture of me passed out with “Princess” written across my forehead. Or what Two Girls One Cup is. Just…no. Stop. No.
Dear Mom/Aunt/Grandpa, I love you all, but I will not spend another Thanksgiving explaining why there are pictures of me playing beer pong. Or why some of my friends dress like they’re strippers (maybe they are…or will be…). Or why there’s a picture of me passed out with “Princess” written across my forehead. Or what Two Girls One Cup is. Just…no. Stop. No.
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